what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
