How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
