Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
this hospital has no fireball
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
