so explain again why im purple
no
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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