I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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