im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
