I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
