where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
