I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
