Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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