I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
