well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
