So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
