You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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