I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
