My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
