Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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