my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
