i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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