Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
