the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
