Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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