Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
