Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
