God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cockslap morals
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
