I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
