Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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