Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
