I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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