roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
