Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i already hear my dad disowning me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
