come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
