i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
