there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The uberlube is also flammable
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
