Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
