The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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