Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
