so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
