I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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