I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
