I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
