just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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