Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
