i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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