Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
