Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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