how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
