Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
