Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
