Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
