wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
